i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
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