There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Say something about gay babies.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
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