the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
