maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
