Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
