I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
