oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
