You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
