Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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