well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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