a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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