Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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