Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
