When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
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