just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
