they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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