her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
me + whiskey = a bad person
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
