i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Randomize
