I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
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