Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
