Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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