Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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