I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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