I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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