2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
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I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
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