I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
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Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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