p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
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