He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Randomize
