i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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