1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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