His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
