Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
