I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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