U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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