No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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