TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
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I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
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I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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