Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
