Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
