I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
