She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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