Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
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