my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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