in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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