I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
