i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
