Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
