His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
