Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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