Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
