this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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