How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
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