Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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