I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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