Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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