I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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