Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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